Making a Name for Myself
what I’m thinking about
I take pride in being a person that people can comfortably ask any question to, so when my name change became the talk of the teacher’s lounge, I didn’t take offense. “I’m just really surprised that you, of all people, would be taking your fiance’s last name!” I knew what they meant by that — that I’m a pretty loud proponent of women’s rights and feminism, and that the concept of changing your last name to match your husband’s has become a hot topic in the feminist sphere.
Simon Duncan, a professor and researcher, emphasizes how surprising it is that 70% of American women still choose to take their husband’s last name, even in this fourth wave of feminism, citing that taking a man’s last name used to mean that they “owned” you, and that the woman becomes a “man’s possession.” He asks, “Is this just a harmless tradition, or is there some sort of meaning leaking from those times [referring to the times of marriage and name changes being a sign of ownership and possession] to now?” Could changing our last names not feel weird to some of us, because it’s so entrenched in our traditions or customs, but still remain problematic? Could we be pretending it’s something romantic, when in reality, it’s something kind of fucked up that we continue to perpetuate?
This woman writes that she felt as if she was shrinking herself instead of joining a life with her husband. One of my favorite influencers (ewwwwww I can’t believe that’s an actual sentence I said/is in the English language!!!) worries that changing her last name is perpetuating the signifiers of this well-worn institution, an institution that, “…fails to greet so many with open arms; an institution that makes single women feel like their unattached years are nothing but the waiting room before life really starts (I speak from experience here); an institution that maintains a power imbalance and reinforces stereotypical gender roles at home and in the workplace…” This idea of ending the cycle of masculinity and the patriarchy is something I absolutely agree with and have discussed in my newsletter about plastic surgery, so I understand where she’s coming from.
For some, choosing a new name for themselves can be affirming and essential to their identity. For the trans community, choosing a name for yourself can be life-changing and life-saving. For some people, changing your name can help you break free from domestic violence. For others (like me!), changing your name can be the start of a fresh beginning; a journey you chose for yourself.
There are no right or wrong answers for the highly-Googled question, “Is Changing My Last Name Anti-Feminist?” We fortunately have the freedom and capacity to do whatever the fuck we want! That being said, I’m surprised at how judgemental some of the conversations have been around the idea of taking your husband’s last name, on both sides.
When another teacher told me that she didn’t take her husband’s last name, I simply asked her why. She explained that she has a deep connection with her last name — she’s close with her family and proud of her Italian heritage. She also thought her husband’s last name was boring. If I was in that same situation, I’d probably keep my last name, too. My situation is a little more complicated though — no one else in my family, besides my estranged father and his new wife, have my last name. Also, my dad was adopted by people that I no longer talk to either, so our current last name isn’t even the one I’m supposed to have. I remember going on my senior trip to Ireland and seeing my last name everywhere, feeling very weird about the fact that it wasn’t actually my last name? While my classmates were able to proudly take pictures of Irish bars that were titled with their last names, I felt more distant from mine than ever.
So, I guess, for me, changing my last name is a crucial step in my journey of…well, finding and healing myself. I get to choose who I want to be associated with, and the generational trauma of my father and his family is something I want to leave behind. There is something really beautiful and romantic (and indeed very corny!) about the fact that I chose someone, he chose me, and we’re in this life together, and I get to have the same last name as him, and I’m just really excited about all of that. There’s no “ownership,” but more of a “partnership” that we got to choose together. Getting to the point of marriage was incredibly difficult for me. I had to learn to love and let someone love me, to push aside my fears of commitment and attachment, and to build extreme trust with someone that I know has made mistakes and will make mistakes (and to let someone trust me, too). Taking Mark’s last name has nothing to do with me succumbing to the patriarchal institution we all know & loathe, but rather renewing my sense of myself and creating a new identity — one that I’m really proud of and excited about! I’m literally choosing a name (and family) for myself. What’s more feminist than that?
what I’m watching
Succession (HBO): Season 3 came out last Sunday, and this season is allllll about the women. When I try to describe Succession to my friends, I usually describe it as a more grown-up Gossip Girl. There’s just something extra fun about watching rich, white people stress about the mess they’ve made.
American Horror Story (Youtube TV & Hulu): This season is called “Double Take” — their first take was about vampires, and then they switched to an entirely different plot about aliens! It’s really unique, and I’m really into it.
what I’m wearing:
COATS! MY FAVORITE ACCESSORY! None of my coats are bought new. Check out thrift stores and local flea markets/vendor pop ups for fun, unique coats that elevate simple outfits. Also, lately, I’ve been feeling a little weird about wearing leather coats (made from cow skin), even if they’re second-hand. It used to not bother me, but lately it doesn’t feel right :(
what I’m eating
I’ve been craving baked goods like every single day lately. It’s very difficult finding vegan baked goods that really hit the spot (texture, moisture, creaminess), and I constantly feel like I can’t live out the “French Girl” aesthetic because there’s a lack of croissants and cream puffs in this city that I actually feel comfortable eating. BUT! This vegan pumpkin bread with whipped pumpkin cream from The Parable did. the. trick. It was exactly what I needed. Happy Little Treats has also been hitting the spot! Also if you’re wondering, “why do you only eat vegan baked goods?” check out this article. Or this one. To me, a pastry or cream puff isn’t worth abuse and environmental devastation.
what I’m drinking
These two bottles from The Bottle Shop were really enjoyable and perfect for a cozy fall night in with take-out. Pair the orange wine with spicy Asian curry or noodles, and the red bottle with pizza or pasta.
what I’m doing
I’m getting my Covid booster shot today. A perfect excuse to take a Monday off work 😉
collective action
There is some awful shit happening in Ohio right now, but some very easy ways to help. Thank goodness for Sierra, a local activist, for putting together these links for our community. Please check out these attainable actions! Like, right now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
a throwback album for you 🎧
Do you remember how painfully beautiful this album is? Make a martini for yourself, light a candle, pretend you’re single in Paris and that it’s raining, and push play.
Have a good week! I hope you’re making a name for yourself, whether that means keeping it or changing it up.
xoxo Sav W̶a̶r̶d̶ McKee
P.S. sorry for typos and any formatting errors — I typed this out mostly on my phone!